Medication.

In the few days before the Stumptown Comics Fest, I had a serious deadline to meet: finishing up my third chapter of Ivy before the festival commenced, allowing enough time for it to go to the printer's before arriving on my table. In order to complete the 15 or so pages in the last 8 day stretch before the show, I borrowed some Adderall from a friend and used it very sparingly in order to keep myself focused on task and get the work done. And it worked! I took half a pill in the morning and by noon I'd done more than I usually get done in a day. Speed is awesome for productivity.

So I was honest about this with my shrink, and she suggested that I see a medication-specialized NP to discuss the option of perhaps going on some controlled form of Adderall. I've been all over the place lately, dealing with so many different and difficult things, that I haven't found the space within myself and my mind to sit down and get lost in my work, or even keep at it for more than half an hour at a time. So I made an appointment with the NP and came clean about everything going on with me.

An hour and a half later I left with a prescription for Wellbutrin. I had to pull my bike over on the way home and cry on the side of the road. I was dealing with personal stigmas against anti-depressants, feeling like a failure somehow for being the "type" of person who needs them, even though most people I know have taken them with more or less success. Also, Adderall seemed like my last chance for maintaining any sort of momentum in my work life, and now it was deemed inappropriate for my problems. I spent the day mulling over my prejudices against anti-D's and wondering how much easier life would be if I just popped a pill and adjusted accordingly. I might not ever get my graphic novel finished, but maybe I just wouldn't care so much.

So I did some research and went to Walgreens the next day. I started taking the pills and immediately felt drugged. It wasn't too extreme, but I really felt altered, in a detached from my body sort of way. I was lightheaded and felt almost motion sick for the first 48 hours or so. It wasn't entirely unpleasant, but I was hoping it would fade out once I acclimated to this new substance in me. I found my desire to smoke weed disappear. And I started working on projects, and for once getting them done. Two days ago I sat and worked on coloring an illustration for the better part of seven hours, until its completion. Things were looking up; this wasn't so bad after all.

Then this morning I woke up with a swelling in my lip. I've never had anything like this happen before, and of course I attributed it to an allergic reaction to the Wellbutrin. I called the NP and she said it was highly unusual to have facial swellings as a reaction to this drug, but to discontinue it immediately. So as quickly as I went on it, I'm off.

There's no way for me to tell if my swelling is an allergic reaction to this stuff except to take more and see, and I'm not willing to try something like that, since having my face even mildly swollen was terrifying to me. But now I have no idea what comes next. I'd only just gotten used to the idea of taking this medication, even starting to look forward to the help it would give me in establishing a better daily routine, and now I'm just sort of left hanging. I feel more upset than before I started it. This particular med was supposed to have the lowest rate of side effects, so if I start something else will it fuck me up even more? Am I unmedicatable? Was the swollen lip a poorly timed coincidence and I'll never know? I'm lost.